The Way I See It - English Language Bloopers

The Way I See It
By Doug Dickerson
Staff Writer
October 11, 2006

Words- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them
– Nathaniel Hawthorne

The way in which people use words is truly amazing. Allow me to share a few examples. I was kicking back watching the local news on television the other night when the weatherman said something that really made me perk up. “There is really no weather to speak of,“ he said. My first reaction was, what the heck! I must have missed something. I looked outside, and things appeared to be fine. My interpretation of his comment is: Since we are not having a thunderstorm, hurricane or a tornado, all is well. However, the last time I checked, a nice sunny day outside is still weather.

I called a friend’s cell phone the other day. His voicemail message said that I had reached his cell phone number. While it is true I did connect to his cell phone number, I had in fact reached his voicemail. Is that so complicated?
I don’t mean to parse words here, but how we parse them is… well, important. The way we use our words can have unintended consequences we never thought possible. Bryant Oden, in his book, Never Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth, compiled over 400 misquotes. Consider these bloopers made by new English Language students:

* China is slowly becoming a flea market economy.
* I am so tired of police violins.
* The Clinton menstruation was a difficult period in American politics.
* The police were attacked by a large group of angry mops.
* In my opinion, police officers and their weapons should always be fully loaded and ready for action.
* The American President is very powerful. For one thing, he chooses the supreme coat justices.
* It is a very exciting erection! But I think Al Gore will lose it soon.
* There are plenty of fossil fools.
* The article said there are only maybe five thousand beers left in B.C. This is a very serious problem…I think maybe we
should only let very small people go beer hunting every year.
* Our society is mostly based on Confusionism.
* I think Clinton never lost an erection.

See what I mean?

Politicians and other such notables provide for us a wealth of material for the stupid things that they say. Here are some examples:

* “We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.” Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
* “I have opinions of my own—strong opinions—but I don’t always agree with them.” George Bush
* “Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything.” Brooke Shields
* “It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.” Dan Quayle
* “Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I’m still alive.’ But of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.” Sen. Barbara Boxer
* “If you take out killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate.” Marion Barry, former Mayor of Washington, D.C.
* “We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.” Parish Magazine

So, the next time you hear normal looking people saying stupid things, don’t be surprised. There seems to be plenty of it going around. The only thing worse than saying stupid things is looking stupid saying it.

©Summerville Journal-Scene 2006