The Way I See It - Beyond a shadow of a doubt

The Way I See It
By Doug Dickerson
Staff Writer
February 6, 2007

Beyond a shadow of a doubt

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-Mark Twain

While much of the Southeast was buried in snow and ice last week, two significant weather and climate prognosticators held meetings of utmost importance.

In Paris, a group of climate scientists met to discuss global warming and concluded that man is “very likely” to blame for it. One by one, the prognosticators of doom and despair gave dire predictions of the planet’s fate. It reminds me of the Three Stooges episode, “Ants in the Pantry.” In the comedy short, the Stooges plant insects at a society party, then get themselves hired as exterminators to rid the mansion of pests. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder how much of the global warming issue is simply the scientists releasing the pests verses how much is real.

However, in my research, I stumbled upon another theory that I think is worth serious consideration. A theory espoused in a column by John Breneman suggests that global warming may be caused by an increased activity in hell. Allow me to expound on the conclusions of his research.

Breneman cites an innovative procedure called thermodemonanalysis, which concludes, “The incremental temperature climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is caused by a heat generating phenomena that can be traced directly to Hades.”

Supporting research as reported by Breneman includes:

* Snatching of souls is up 7.2 percent over the previous fiscal yearl;
* Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 10.3 percent, due in part to double-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and
greed in the 1980s and 90s;
* Underworld space constraints have caused a construction boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.

The report also charges that Satan and his henchmen control gasoline prices using covert, subterranean destabilization of the oil-rich Middle East. Underworld spokesperson Scorchy Crisp said, “This is just another example of the Devil being used as a scapegoat for man’s innate tendency toward stupidity and self-destruction,” during a press conference in Helena, Montana. The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained, because he was away on his monthly recruiting trip to Washington, D.C. I would hope that the climate scientists in Paris were able to scour the report by Breneman.

In northwestern Pennsylvania last week, thousands of concerned citizens gathered for the prediction of one of the leading weather forecasters in the country. According to insiders, the predictions are 100 percent accurate, a record most scientists can only envy. As thousands gathered, Punxsutawney Phil, the ground hog, was pulled from his stump and offered his yearly prediction. Phil did not see his shadow, which, according to German folklore, means that we can expect an early spring instead of six more weeks of winter.

I realize that many don’t place much faith in the prediction of a ground hog for forecasting weather, but why not? The local weathermen on TV can’t agree on the forecasts each night, just compare them.

I think it would be a good thing if scientifically, we rely more on animals for predicting the weather. Dogs and cats are notorious for knowing when a tornado or an earthquake is imminent. Birds roost early and feed heavily before a rain or snow and pigs and squirrels gather more debris to insulate themselves from cold weather.

The more we listen to these “leading” scientists talk, the more we are to blame for all the ills of the world. What’s more frustrating is that they usually reverse their decisions later on. The ground hog on the other hand, comes out of his hole and makes his prediction, and then we don’t see him again for another year. Given the choice as to whose science I trust most, I will go with the ground hog.

Doug Dickerson, who did see his shadow last week, can be reached at: news@berkeleyind.com.

©Summerville Journal-Scene 2007